Thursday, June 25, 2009


Given my past and recent history, I think we can safely assume that I'm okay with talking, whether in person or on the phone. Also, you'd think that I'm used to only seeing people once or twice a week and talking to them the rest of the time. So why is this situation not the same?

It probably has something to do with the spending almost every school day with you for the last three months. I really did see you every day. We had class together. We had lunch together. I saw you for FASA things. I went to your room to hang out for at least an hour every night. I got so used to your presence that I HAD to see you every day or else things felt weird. Add in the fact that I like you so much and my attraction to you and everything about you....well...let's just say that being away from you for extended periods of time puts a strain on my sanity, hahaha. It's hard to stay away from you when I'm so drawn to you and it only grows as time goes on. We've joked that "it's only been one day/two days," but while I'm not 100% serious, there is some reality to what I say.

Basically, oftentimes, I miss you like crazy and being apart for extended periods of time sucks.

So, it's summer. I'm stuck at work, while you're at home free. While I do have more freedom now than I had during school (lack of homework helps), my schedule is still really ugly: Wake up at 5, go to work from 7-3:30, get home at 4:15, nap until 7, have from 7-1 free. That's not much time to do things, to be honest. My only free times where I'm physically and mentally capable of exerting energy (and have "permission" to boot) are Thursday afternoons, Fridays, and Saturdays. That's not that much time, to be honest, but it's all that I can give.

That's the problem. With such a limited time (and some other limits that everyone knows about), that's all I can give. This means that these are the only times that I'll be able to see you. Therefore, it's regulated down to seeing you a minimum of once a week, and sometimes, zero times in a week. For me, that's surely not enough, considering how spring quarter and the end of winter quarter occurred.

I have two huge fears right now. One is the whole "I'm not seeing you enough" thing. I'm so worried that as the weeks go on, the time apart will attack and cause problems. For whom? I'm not sure yet. I'm barely coping right now. I don't know how you're feeling though. I know. "We'll manage." Hopefully. If I were to literally knock on wood, I'd knock it so hard that I'd try to make a hole. My other fear is that you'll get annoyed with the phone calls. After all, there's only so much you can say over the phone. I'm worried I'm going to bore you to pieces.

I don't mean to sound desperate or needy or clingly. You're such a boon and important factor in my life that I'm trying to get as much contact as possible. As cliché and dumb as it sounds, you do make me better and I can't imagine how things were beforehand.

Now...with all of these fears and worries, I can't complain too much, right? Right. I have you and that's all that matters. I suppose we will manage, however that may be. I apologize in advance for any boredom or annoyance I cause.

And no matter what, I'll always tell myself, "I have you and that's all that matters."

1 comment:

  1. you sure know how to hurt someone in the most cruelest way...

    And no matter what, I'll always tell myself,"is this really you?"